Everything was hers and I was smothered in it, choking.
She was all around me. Trapped in her apartment, immersed in her belongings, I couldn't stand it. I made sure I was at least never home when she was. We hadn't spoken for two weeks, and I was also ignoring Seth's text messages. Never had I felt this abandoned or miserable, not even after my last break-up when ironically, it was Tasha who had come to the rescue. What does one do when the person who you go to with your problems, is the source of them? I never cared that she was the hot one, in constant spotlight, with the exciting career and endless suitors. But how could she usurp me in this case?
I've always lived by the idea that what's mine is yours when it comes to my close friends. When I have money, its my treat, whatever is in the fridge - go for it, so why was I so discombobulated when it came to a living breathing person?
Now, I like to think of myself as an open-minded spirit. I realize that people will do as they wish and you can't nor should you try to control them. However, there are unspoken rules, like: don't flirt with your boy's friends, or try to date your exe's friends nor your friend's exes, and you don't try to poach from other people's crews. That being said, I love it when my friends get along with each other, especially if I'm dating someone, and honestly if I'm over a boy then I figure all's fair, but in this case the thought of Seth + Tasha - me = Mz. Bonkers, because ... well, just cause!
Maybe I really was sixteen again, stuck in one of those bad pre-teen flicks, when you're trapped in your younger self and no one believes who you really are, except in this case it was me was incapable of recognizing myself.
Bobby, however, confirmed my fears by proclaiming it, "Weird!" if Seth was becoming Tasha's friend. "I ask you what's up with Tash. I'd be weird if I called her." Was that true? If Bobby called Tasha to go out and not me directly, would I be offended? This was all pretty silly, but Bobby wasn't Seth. And all along I'd been lying to myself that I believed in a way that Seth was mine.
Was this about sitting across the dinner table and realizing that your companion's dish looks so much more appealing than what you'd ordered? Completely wavering and unbalanced, I plunged into the nebulous dynamic between friends and their others. I always thought it was weird how people would date or sleep with O.P.P. Why would you want someone else's sloppy seconds? I guess for a guy, it means less groundwork. Or for chicks, sometimes a man's value does lies in the girl he's dating. You see some so-so fella that you probably wouldn't be interested in chatting up, but then boom, he has a hot girlfriend and all of a sudden his value skyrockets. People do covet all the time - no wonder it's one of the ten commandments.
I remember that when my ex did the disappearing act, all of his buddies hit on me. I was offended because I considered them my friends, but whatever. You can't change the nature of the beast. Tasha put it nicely, that at least, his power had finally dissipated and I was free. But I took that newfound sense of my own power and turned to the dark side. When I found myself doing the same thing (dipping into the forbidden friend pool), well, I realized I had no high horse to stand on - anyone can be just as slimy with enough drink et al in them.
Is it competition between friends? I dated one guy, well, ok, he was cheating on his girlfriend for me, but really we were in love, and anyways, his best friend would always hit on me in front of him, like stand real close, showing neither of us the least respect. My best friend Nicole warned me that any new girl who enters the group ultimately ends up sleeping with at least two of the dudes. Sure enough, as I hung out with them more and more, almost each one of them made a play. Hmm ... they'd probably be right at home in Taipei. But then I thought about my old crew here and it was the same for them, so I started wondering if this was a Canadian thing.
No, actually, I dated an American guy once, and his best friend started writing me love letters behind his back. Unfortunately, that boyfriend was a super hacker and broke into both our emails and there was quite the confrontation when he came home from work one day.
So, there's no point in generalizing. Regardless of where you are and who you're surrounded by, the real correlation is all that time spent together. I guess when people develop a connection it makes it easier for a situation to arise where you take advantage of some fun. But, is it really that easy or ever ok?
I was getting away from the matter at hand. Truth was, we weren't talking about stealing from me because Seth wasn't mine. Never completely free from being the accuser, I thought I should take the first step in Tasha's stilettos. I was the one being selfish. If Tasha could find happiness with him, it was my own problem that I was upset about it. After everything she'd been through in her life, how could I begrudge her the chance to be with a good man? I still felt betrayed, but it was something I'd created hence I should deal with it. I had to let this go and I ought to tell her I would try my best to support them.
As I hashed this all out in my journal, I suddenly felt her hovering around my doorway.
Knock knock
"We should talk."
"What do you mean?"
"I know something is wrong. Why do you keep away?"
"Tasha, look, you know how I feel about him, or maybe you don't. But it doesn't matter. Both of you are important to me, and if you can find happiness together, then I should try to accept it."
"What???? What are you talking about?"
"It bothers me that you guys hang out now, but it's my own problem to face."
"Me and Antony?"
"What? No, you and Seth."
"Me and Seth? I don't hang out with him! You think something is going on with me and Seth? How could you! You don't trust me?"
I gasped as she stormed out of my room and then out of the apartment. What the heck? Am I taking crazy pills? Do I have a dart stuck in my jugular?
Before anything could possibly register, I received a text message: Do you want to see me tonight? Brad.
You know when you're already quite drunk, and think to yourself how can I push this further and it seems a great idea at the time ...
"Let's get fucked up!"
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