Fight or Flight

I ended up f*cked another way.

Hello, debauchery - of the chemical kind. I knocked back a number of letters, but not necessary in alphabetical order. Why? Because I was feeling sorry for myself, and that was the most dangerous of all things to dose on. Let's recap. Well, I had been moping at home on a Saturday night, having a nice quiet time with my journal when suddenly I got sideswiped by Tasha, with Brad aiming to gun me down, shortly thereafter. So, what is a girl to do? Find the biggest party of the night and drown her sorrows. Pardon, what was that? Seth? Seth, Shmeth. They can all suck on my toes. Not sure how much time had passed between dancing with boys and hot girls in minis, getting busy with tequila. Went outside for a breath of air and everything went slow mo. In fact, I was sure some slow funky bass starting to play, when the walk by happened. The previous time was down another alley many months ago, so this was very déjà vu. Brad strutting, leader of the pack, the boys slightly behind him. The last time this happened, I opted to look away so he ended up not seeing me there. This time as he passed, I made sure to stare him down. Our eyes met, mouths slightly agape. It was so hot I shivered.

"Lovers!" ... suddenly, a jolting hiss. Of course it was Bobby, who'd sidled up to me. I was ecstatic to see him and pounced.

"Oh my god you're so trashed."

"Bobby I'm so happy to see you! Oh, I love you!"

"Yeah, I know. So, what's up with Brad? I thought you were into Seth?"

Sigh. "I don't know."

"Brad's an asshole. That's probably why you like him."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that. Hey, how'd you know I was here?"

"Where else would you be? Anyways, Tasha is looking for you."

"What? Really?"

I rushed away in a drunken haze, and found her right where I knew she'd be, on the dance floor, in front of the dj booth. Cal was on decks, and Tasha was making fun of him. Right before I breezed forward, Brad got to her first. From there, I could only see that he was whispering something to her, and she was smiling. He was going in for a ... Whatever! Ugh!

I didn't know what to feel, especially since everything was spinning, and everyone had too heads. I ordered a vodka cranberry (juice is good for you right?) and headed outside again.

The thing is, I just don't know anymore. It used to be that situations could always be clear-cut. You knew what was right and wrong, and all you had to do was decide if it was a forgivable or unforgivable offense. Then you break off contact, or you try to mend the fence. I can't really blame the lifestyle here for all of that. Why? Hmm... should I reveal this part of myself? It's because I've wronged a lot of people before. People I was supposed to love and protect, so maybe I think I deserve the hurt that has been inflicted on me in the recent past as atonement for my sins. So, I have a soft spot for deviants, for the compulsively self-destructive because I know you can be that and a good person, capable of change for the good.

I don't know what Tasha is going through right now with Antony. We live in the same house, but we're drifting into strangers. I thought she would be in my life forever, but now I sense that when I leave Taipei, that will be it. I know her well enough.

So in the long run who the hell cares about Seth? I've known him for like ten seconds. I guess somehow I'd put him on a pedestal as a solution, no a distraction to my real life problems. He seemed to be the only good, unsullied aspect of my life. I look at someone like Seth, who's intentions as far as I can tell, aren't driven by evil, and feel hope. Yeah, ok we know where the good ones lead us, but surely it does count for something ... why else would pre-meditated murder be construed differently from crimes of passion?

Maybe I don't know all of his motivations, but I can say that he's always treated me with respect. Simply, someone I never had to worry about having twisted ulterior agendas. But the truth is, I don't know that for a fact, this is only something I'd chosen to believe. So, when there was the slightest indication I was wrong, I balked.

"Here you are again, drinking outside the Sev-lev."

I looked up and it was Seth. Everything that had tossed around my head was shattered. I just liked him. A lot. And I didn't want to doubt him.

"So, what? You lost your phone or something?"

"Seth..."

"Wait. There's something I've been wanting to say. I care about you, and I'm attracted to you. I know you've been through a lot, but who hasn't? What intelligent person isn't messed up in some way? There's still a lot you don't know about me, but the only thing that matters is that you can trust me. I'm not promising you anything, but fuck man, you don't have to be so quick to run out the door."

Intense staring.

I love the moment when you think a kiss is gonna happen, but you're not quite sure, but you know it's gonna happen.

It was amazing ... miraculous, and only slightly marred by the fact that I really needed to throw up.

Shiat, imagine if you were expecting tongue, and got an altogether unexpected surprise instead?

I broke away a bit roughly.

"Seth, you don't understand how incredible this all is. But, but, I gotta go."

"Uh, ok."

"No, I, I... it's just that I'm feeling sick."

"Oh, disaster. Ok, I'll get you a cab."

Seth hailed me a cab (I love how the cab scene is here, freakin rocks). He opened the door, and helped me in and left me with a kiss on the cheek.

Two minutes later, a text: Call me when you wake up tomorrow.

The next morning, a hectic knock on my door woke me up, followed by the sweet smell of brewing coffee.

Tasha had made me breakfast, or rather she'd gone out and bought dan-bin and fresh newspapers.

"Hey."

"Brad tried to kiss me last night. He's disgusting. I pushed him away and he said, 'You're no fun'. Don't mix with him."

"Oh."

"Seth talks about you all the time. I really like him. He's a good person."

"We kissed last night!"

Then all of a sudden things were normal again. We gabbed, and laughed. She read her Apple Daily and told me the funny bits. I read the News of the Weird and likewise. She'd been hanging out with Antony, but he kept trying to sleep with her, so she decided to cut him off for the time being. I told her about how I'd felt so hurt when I thought, well ... She insisted she hadn't meant to hurt me, but apologized if she had.

By the time I remembered I had to call Seth, it was already late afternoon. I was super nervous. I started to think about my reason for calling him. Right, he'd asked me to, but still I needed another reason. Maybe I'd ask him if he wanted to go get a coffee or go for a walk in the park, or maybe just meet him for dinner ...

I waited for a least ten rings before he picked up.

"What's up?"

"Hi! Oh, I ah, uh, I...just wanted to see what you're up to."

"I can't talk right now." Click.

Brrrr... What the???!