The Ex-Factor

The Ex-man. Once a mild-mannered, easy going single guy, our hero one day undergoes a dramatic change when the very fabric of his being is altered, and he becomes merged into one entity known as, The Couple. But like many such stories go, his trusted ally becomes the arch enemy, who in guise as The Girlfriend, unmasked his weaknesses and almost destroyed him, leaving his shredded remains to waste away in toxic Dumpsville. But he survives. Barely. Now crippled, and jaded he has no choice but to arm himself ironically, with the remnants of the original power source that had emasculated him. In order to survive, mayhaps unwittingly, he is suffused with the ex-factor. Suddenly he has an impenetrable shield where he is impervious to emotional attachment or commitment to you, yes, you, Rebound Girl. But he has one vulnerability - the very source of his armor - The One that Got Away.

I never understood why people stayed in humdrum relationships, or got back together with someone obviously wrong for them, instead of taking a chance with someone new. That is, until I found myself doing it - shields up! It was one thing to observe the guys in my life hung up on the past, but another to realize maybe why they were doing it. Even though it wasn't necessarily true, I had somehow subconsciously convinced myself that if I wasn't over one person, then there was no way I could develop feelings for someone else, so, no one had the power to hurt me. My fortress of solitude was compressed of glossy memories, and half wishes, fueled by late night drunken phone calls, or the inability to be attracted to someone who didn't remind me of a certain someone else.

It's hard when you've imprinted someone onto your being. Their textures, tastes, scents, and even witticisms are no farther than your minds eye, and in the quiet moments of your life, you are just a little too desperate to have a chance at one more moment. (Think Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days. That's me, but not so greasy).

You protect yourself with these half-truths. Some advice I recently heard rang a bell, mostly because it mirrored exactly what Bobby and Tasha have been promoting: You let go of one beautiful girl by obsessing over another. Well, if it comes from a learned chi gong master, then should I think twice about its usefulness? I said last time, that it didn't work, but maybe it's because I'd added my own Buddhism-inspired twist: stay on middle ground, so that your anger at the first girl keeps your sadness at bay, and your increasing fancy for the new girl is ever stilted by your want of the other. You use both to fend off one from the other, stay in the void, and remain untouched.

Once I realized how ridiculous this whole process was - admittance is the first step to recovery, right? I also knew how weak it was, and I had no intention of being Miss Moons-a-lot. So, just how am I to disentangle myself from these self-imposed constructs? Well, what does one do to resolve a problem? Break it down and find a solution.

I just did this quiz which said I was a rational intuitive- so I follow my gut after I've broken down all the pros and cons? Anyways, if this were true, then I could easily follow Bobby's extremely pragmatic "best option" approach, and simply rationalize myself out of these emotions. See, he believes that we are constantly striving to achieve our best options. As far as gaging a potential love interest goes, or justifying why you stay in a relationship, both parties are really always considering each other's value. So, once you've ticked off your list of desirable and undesirable quantifications, then you move next to the emotional investment options. Do I let myself fall in love? Am I just having fun? Thus, if it takes such a process to make the choice to accept someone as your best option, then you can apply the same method to understand that this no longer holds true.

I felt like I was a whole new me. It was okay if I cared, I just had to make better choices. Now this might seem ridiculously easy if one has any sort of common sense, but for a self destructive alcoholic workaholic, it's easier said than done.

Then I decided that the next step was to make amends. Well, sort of, since I considered that what had happened was so not my fault, and really I was quite angry. Yes, I mean Seth. I wrote him an email, mostly because I just wanted to give him a piece of my mind, and didn't really care about what his reaction was.

But okay, I was pretty happy that he did respond. It was long letter, so in summary, the reason he took the bait was because his last girlfriend got wonked on blow and slept with his best friend. (Yikes!) It was easy to believe that all women were evil and I was one of them. He popped up on msn and we chatted like normal, and made plans to meet up for dinner.

As I was getting ready, I decided to double check the address of the resto before I left, and lo and behold, there was an email from him. So breezy, like it hadn't been more than a year since he left.

Hey Baby.

I fly into Taipei tomorrow morning. Can't wait to see you.