Eat Me. Drink Me

"The only love that lasts forever is - unrequited"

She was on a flight back to Taipei from Kaoshiung, too excited to relax and take a nap even though she was exhausted. What a long weekend! Last time she'd ever work another trade show. So, boring. Funny how things turn out. What did she expect from a work trip? Meet new people? Have some fun? Get away from the day to day, the mundane - him? Did she love him? She realized that she did miss him at the very least. Spent her last few hours picking up some treats for him. And CK underwear, which happened to be on sale at the SOGO.

Soon enough, she was at the door. Putting the key in the lock.

Surprise!

I wonder if Antony was or is the love of Tasha's life. Just because I've slowly come to form the theory that the only way a person can be your great love is if you can't be with them. It's always the one that got away. When's the last time you heard someone way to you, "Gee I feel so lucky because I'm with the love of my life." I guess I do know someone offhand, but "coincidence" they are together in different countries. Further evidence that with great passion there needs to be greater strife to fan the flames. Sooner or later the fire burns out and mediocrity remains. Thus to keep the ideal intact, you simply can't be together.

Who is the great love of my life? I've been in love four times. Once with someone I truly believed was my soul mate. Yet the man who I would think of as my great love was definitely NOT my soul mate. A soul mate is your best friend, someone to trust completely, who makes you feel complete, and never alone even when apart. They give you a love of life.

My great love drove me insane, drove me to debase myself time and time again because I couldn't stop being in love with him. (Believe me I've tried). Someone with the power to hurt me even to this day. Hmm... that's a funny thought, your great love is defined by the power they have to cause you pain. Maybe he's the great addiction of my life.

I was thinking about all of this on the way silent way home with Tasha.

"You're ex?" I was flabbergasted.

"Hello Antony, how are you?"

They looked at like they were going to devour each other, eyes wide, a little too calm.

"It's been a long time Xiao San."

"How long have you been back?"

"Taipei? For 6 months."

I tried to figure out a way to slip away, but the odd compulsion to avoid rudeness held me there. Should I quickly interrupt and run out? Should I just slowly ease towards the door?

"Hmm. Well, it has been some time. Have a good night."

Tasha abruptly left. I smiled weakly at Antony, and followed her out the door.

"Nice meeting you," he called after me.

"Hey Tash, let's go somewhere and get a drink."

"No, it's alright. I want to go home."

"But you just got here. Let me get you a stiff one." I was hoping for a chuckle. Nada.

She suddenly stopped and looked at me. Tasha took a deep breath. Her lovely eyes were liquid with emotion.

"Hao."

Funny how things turn out. A year later and our roles were reversed. I recalled the night that I'd met Tasha. When I was drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Macallan's waiting for Bobby to meet, and console me.

When he said, "I'm leaving Taiwan. I've stayed because of you. I can't anymore."

This time, I ordered a bottle of wine. I waited for her to speak.

"You know that I hate strawberries," she said.

"I thought you were allergic to them."

"I once watched a movie. They were eating strawberry cake. The woman asked why the man put the strawberry aside. He said he wanted to enjoy the rest of the cake first."

'What's with the cake analogies?' I thought. What I said was, "because to him, it's the best part and he wants to save it for last."

"He knows that if he eats it, it could be sour or rotten. But if it remains untouched, it could be perfect."

"Well if he just leaves it there, someone else could snatch it up when he's not looking."

Why do we never want what comes easily, or we become dissatisfied with what we finally attain? What is it that people expect or hope for when it comes to love? For me, it begins with a heady high that softens into intimacy and security. Then that comfortableness turns into routine and resentfulness. This can't be what happens to everyone can it? I suppose some people never feel they've had a great love. So, is it true that it's better to have loved and lost than never to blah blah blah? Am I still secretly holding on to the idea that there's someone out there who can love me without wanting to hurt me? Furthermore, is this even a possibility in Wonderland, Taipei?

What would we do if there weren't such fodder to pick apart over a drink? I'll skip the dessert thanks, and cheers to that!

Throughout the ride home, and even still when we got there and went to bed, it was silent. How did it feel to see Antony after all this time? I'd never seen Tasha let her wall down, even if it was for the briefest of moments. I wondered if either of us would ever encounter Antony again. Thinking of him, a sudden ache in my gut told me there would be trouble if we did.