Closure

The moment I saw him, I froze, and for a second stared and smiled awkwardly. He made a bit of a fidget as if to hug me, thought against it and grinned. I hadn't seen him for I about a month, and was taken aback by how cute he was, how completely smitten I still was.

"Hey".

"Hey".

"Shall we get a table?"

It took the whole bottle of wine to loosen our tongues to the situation at hand. But just catching up, it was so good to share in his going-ons, and I had a twinge of missing out. Getting up to speed though, felt as if my Seth tank was slowly being re-filled, and just in hearing the little this and thats, I felt part of his world again. I watched his hands move about excitedly as he filled me in on the records he had bought, the mp3s he'd downloaded, et al., bemused by how much even the simplest of his affectations endeared me to him. I noticed that he was such an attentive person, making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed. He even saved me the last bite of dessert.

"I've missed you." His eyes, in the barest flicker, revealed a glimpse of what I'd always hoped for.

It only took me these few hours with Seth to realize what seemed real and how every other whim had lost its luster. When it becomes clear that one person actually cares about you, it's so much easier to see how infatuations aren't worth dwelling on. In the end, you want to be with the person who tries to understand you and makes you a better person.

Dinner was finished. We were outside and it was slightly drizzling. I was waiting and so was he.

"Do you want to get up to anything else?"

"Um...I'm not really feeling a big night or anything."

"Yeah, me neither. Do you want to come over and listen to my new records? Maybe get another bottle of red?"

Then it happened again, just like last time, when you know you're gonna kiss, but you're not quite sure, but you know...

And you can tell a lot in a kiss sometimes. So I knew for a fact, what kind of night it was going to be.

I was wide awake and just lay there, happy, listening to his breathing as he slept, with the new found knowledge I could never go back to the Brads of the world. I also decided not to see the ex. I started to have doubts that he was the love of my life, but ultimately, I didn't need to see Clifton anymore. Hmm... even writing out his name is like smashing the talisman I'd worn over my heart for so long. We were over, had been over for a long time. Why waste your time one someone who isn't there with you, and be afraid to be with the person who you do want, who is literally lying beside you at this very moment. But then, was I simply transferring my feelings on to someone else? Were these feelings real? Well, I was willing to find out.

Possibility stretched out before me with Seth, but the remaining grains of Clifton's sand castle had trickled down the hourglass. The man who I had loved didn't exist anymore, just as I was no longer the person he knew. We were the same people, but different, changed, grown. I felt a sense of peace and elation, of finally being able to move on. It's not as simple as that of course. You live with an idea of how you feel, and who you are for so long that to lose that piece of yourself is just as powerful as losing a physical limb. Like the phenomenon of amputees who suffer the phantom appendage, feeling as if it's still there, every movement, sensation, even at times twinges of pain, it takes time to come to terms that it is no longer a part of you.

It's especially scary to be vulnerable again, be close with someone - all tangled limbs, pressed faces, and soft conversations in bed. Certainly, when you haven't let yourself be like this with anyone for so long you don't think it's possible. It's like me trying to relearn my mother tongue after thinking in English for so long.

I was really happy, but still somewhat confused. I wasn't sure about trusting someone who didn't trust me. I mean, he believed the words of a complete stranger without bothering to get an explanation from me. Seth said that he would have tried to talk to me, but he needed some time to calm down before he could do that. What would have happened if I hadn't emailed him? But, that was neither here nor there. Was something real truly beginning? It's not like I've lost my paranoia or anything, but hope had been regained.

In the morning, half-dazed in sleep, last night's details slowly washed over me as the smile spread contently over my face. I reached over and gently pulled him to me, and sensing my touch, he wrapped himself around me, and said someone else's name.

Utterly shocked, I shot bolt right up and fled as quickly as possible.

It seemed like it took eons to get home, and I prayed Tasha would be there. As I opened the door, I heard voices. Hmm... guess she had some company last night, and stayed over. Wow. That's different. At least one of us was happy. I thought maybe it was Antony.

Wrong.

"Hey Baby!"

Suddenly, I was swept up in a giant bear hug.

Clifton.

I was going to cry.