Episode 1

SCENE 1: (It's Sunday Morning. Missy has just arrived home and is shocked by Clifton's presence. He gets up, runs over to her and hugs her tightly. Tasha is sitting, observing with amusement.)

Clifton: Hey baby!

Missy: What the...!

Tasha: Is that extra bubble tea for me?

(Missy disentangles herself and hands Tasha a drink. She sits down and lights a cigarette).

Missy: Clifton Devlin, wh-wh- I can't believe you're here!

Clifton: Believe it, Missy. Hey, you had any brekkie yet? Let's go get a giant plate of eggs benny.

Missy: Uh, uh ... I could use a bloody caesar. (her phone starts to ring, but she noticeably silences it).

(At the breakfast spot)

Clifton: So, you got a boyfriend now?

Missy: Oh god, where's my drink? (glances at her cell phone)

Clifton: I don't mean to pry. I'm just fascinated by your life.

Missy: Haven't found a cure for that smart alecky ness I see. You have a girlfriend?

Clifton: Yeah, but she can't get a visa here.

Missy: Good thing, she'd probably try to slip me some rat poison.

Clifton: Still no antidote for that sarcasm either. (they laugh together)

Missy: So, what's the deal? You got a gig in town or something?

Clifton: No more djing for me, I'm finally onto the bigger picture.

Missy: Oh yeah? Pray tell...

Clifton: I can do better than that, I'll show ya.

SCENE 2: (The next day. It's a bright and sunny Monday morning. Tasha is at her desk, smoking a cigarette, chatting on msn. She hears her phone ring. Checks it, but realizes it's not her phone. Her co-worker Brian siddles over to her).

Brian: Look Tasha, we have the same phone! Same ring tone! Isn't that romantic?

Tasha: What? Where's my coffee?

Brian: Oh, sorry. Of course. I'll get it right away.

(This time her phone rings for real. It's Antony.)

Tasha: Hello?

Antony: My father is a mafia boss!

Tasha: What? Ai yo, I haven't even had my coffee yet.

Brian: Here's your coffee mei-nui. Who are you talking to?

(Tasha tries to shoo him away. Brian meekly steps away).

Antony: Let's meet at the pasta place for lunch.

Tasha: I hate pasta.

Antony: Well, it's not like you ever eat anyways. Just be there. 12 o'clock!

(Tasha seems annoyed, puts down her phone, and sips her coffee when she gets another call. It's Missy on the line.)

Tasha: Wei?

Missy: Hey Tash.

Tasha: Hey Melissa. How are you? So, how is Clifton? He asked if you came home Saturday night, but I said I just got home. Did you know he was coming over? How does he know where we live?

Missy: Well, first of all I was at Seth's the other night.

Tasha: I thought so. I thought maybe it was Brad, but my sixth sense ...

Missy: It was so amazing, but then...!

Tasha: What happened?

Missy: I can't say it right now. I want to know, what do you think of Seth?

Tasha: I think he's a really nice guy. He likes you a lot of course. Remember the time I saw him in that class. He just asked me so many questions about you. He's really nice, but I don't feel you two match.

Missy: What do you mean?

Tasha: Well, I get the feeling that you too are very good friends, but that's it. I see more fire between you and Brad even. I think you are happier when Seth is not there. And I think if you are together, you will cheat on him.

Missy: What? Really?

Tasha: I don't think you really like him. If you want to get married, it's important to get along of course, but right now you are just dating. When you are dating, you want it to be fun and exciting.

Missy: But I think I do like him, and I'm afraid, so I don't show it. And now seeing Clifton. I'm so confused!

Tasha: That's ok. You are always confused. You like to make your life so complicated. I don't know why. So how about Clifton? What is he doing here?

SCENE 3: Bobby is sitting at home on his computer when he gets a call from Lora.

Lora: Yo, yo, yo!

Bobby: Who is this?

Lora: Randy Robert Radman!

Bobby: Mom, is that you?

Lora: (laughs) What up bee-itch! Guess where I am?

Bobby: That's Mr. Radisson to you, biatch!

Lora: Shut up! I'm at the Chiang Kai Shek airport. I finally followed through with my threat to move here.

Bobby: Halleluja praise the lord! Well, get your sweet ass into a cab right now!

Lora: Done and done! Shannon says hello by the way.

Bobby: Hmm... How is she doing? I haven't heard from her in a while.

Lora: Haven't you heard? She got a big modeling contract last year, some TV cameos, and now she wants to get into film.

Bobby: That's my girl.

Lora: Clearly, you're still hung up on her!

Bobby: I think you have that backwards.

Lora: Oh, the old lie until you start believing it's real trick? What, you tell everyone that you dumped her and poor thing had to fall into modeling as a consolation?

Bobby: (Clears his throat) So, let's have dinner with the gang. Something special - bbq pig's blood and stinky tofu!

Lora: What? Ew...! Anyways, I can't wait to meet this infamous Ms. Sexpat girl.

Bobby: You'll love her. She's almost as neurotic as you are.

SCENE 4: Tasha and Antony are at lunch. A waiter is taking their order.

Antony: I'll have the spaghetti carbonara, as a set meal.

Tasha: I'll have the seared tuna salad. (The waiter leaves). What's going on?

Antony: This is all so unbelievable. You're not going to believe this. I don't believe it! Basically, my father has flown the country and left me with some crazy mafia empire!

Tasha: What are you talking about? (Her cell phone starts to ring, but she silences it.) F***ing Brian!

Antony: I'm not even sure. My mom calls and tells me that my father has gone into hiding. Then the lawyer, then the uncles. I'm thinking about fleeing!

Tasha: Slow down. I don't understand. Where did he go?

Antony: Nobody knows. My mom is freaking out. I have these meetings scheduled. I feel like I'm in a bad Hong Kong action movie.

(Tasha's phone starts ringing again.)

Antony: Why don't you just answer?

Tasha: No. It's my co-worker. He keeps calling me. I'm not going to answer it.

Antony: You want me to have him killed? 'Cause I think I can actually do that.

Tasha: Antony! So, are you ok? What's going to happen?

Antony: I seriously have no idea.

SCENE 5: It's Monday evening. Missy is looking at old pictures of her and Clifton. She's all misty-eyed. Her phone starts to ring. She sighs and answers it. It's Seth.

Seth: You just left!

Missy: Who's Chris?

Seth: What? What are you talking about.

Missy: You called me Chris. Is that your ex-girlfriend?

Seth: That's such a common name, I don't know... what ...

Missy: Your girl. The one who burned you. What's her name?

Seth: Kristin... but ...

Missy: I can't talk to you right now, I need some time. I'll call you.

Seth: Missy, please don't go. I screwed up by not getting the truth from you before. We should talk.

Missy: I'll call you. I promise.

(hangs up. She continues to look at her photos and starts to smile, sadly. She has a flashback of yesterday afternoon with Cliff. He's has taken her out to Neihu. They are standing before a giant warehouse complex.)

Clifton: Here it is.

Missy: Holy! It's huge!

Clifton: Yep. It's gonna be the biggest club in town. The new hotspot. And I want you as head of PR.

Missy: But I already have a job.

Clifton: Tsk. You don't have a real job. You sit around surfing scat all day and smoking hash. Wait that's me. You online shop and chain smoke. I have something to show you that will change your mind.

(He takes her the offices of the complex. Opens the door to a small studio. There's a drawing table, easel, lots of material).

Clifton: This is your office, baby. I even set it up so you can paint here.

Missy: You made me a studio?

Clifton: Yes, this is your own studio. I want you here, with me. We've always made a good team.

Missy: Ha, ha, yeah, the power couple.

Clifton: I'm serious, Melissa. I'm back now, and I'm here to take over.

Closure

The moment I saw him, I froze, and for a second stared and smiled awkwardly. He made a bit of a fidget as if to hug me, thought against it and grinned. I hadn't seen him for I about a month, and was taken aback by how cute he was, how completely smitten I still was.

"Hey".

"Hey".

"Shall we get a table?"

It took the whole bottle of wine to loosen our tongues to the situation at hand. But just catching up, it was so good to share in his going-ons, and I had a twinge of missing out. Getting up to speed though, felt as if my Seth tank was slowly being re-filled, and just in hearing the little this and thats, I felt part of his world again. I watched his hands move about excitedly as he filled me in on the records he had bought, the mp3s he'd downloaded, et al., bemused by how much even the simplest of his affectations endeared me to him. I noticed that he was such an attentive person, making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed. He even saved me the last bite of dessert.

"I've missed you." His eyes, in the barest flicker, revealed a glimpse of what I'd always hoped for.

It only took me these few hours with Seth to realize what seemed real and how every other whim had lost its luster. When it becomes clear that one person actually cares about you, it's so much easier to see how infatuations aren't worth dwelling on. In the end, you want to be with the person who tries to understand you and makes you a better person.

Dinner was finished. We were outside and it was slightly drizzling. I was waiting and so was he.

"Do you want to get up to anything else?"

"Um...I'm not really feeling a big night or anything."

"Yeah, me neither. Do you want to come over and listen to my new records? Maybe get another bottle of red?"

Then it happened again, just like last time, when you know you're gonna kiss, but you're not quite sure, but you know...

And you can tell a lot in a kiss sometimes. So I knew for a fact, what kind of night it was going to be.

I was wide awake and just lay there, happy, listening to his breathing as he slept, with the new found knowledge I could never go back to the Brads of the world. I also decided not to see the ex. I started to have doubts that he was the love of my life, but ultimately, I didn't need to see Clifton anymore. Hmm... even writing out his name is like smashing the talisman I'd worn over my heart for so long. We were over, had been over for a long time. Why waste your time one someone who isn't there with you, and be afraid to be with the person who you do want, who is literally lying beside you at this very moment. But then, was I simply transferring my feelings on to someone else? Were these feelings real? Well, I was willing to find out.

Possibility stretched out before me with Seth, but the remaining grains of Clifton's sand castle had trickled down the hourglass. The man who I had loved didn't exist anymore, just as I was no longer the person he knew. We were the same people, but different, changed, grown. I felt a sense of peace and elation, of finally being able to move on. It's not as simple as that of course. You live with an idea of how you feel, and who you are for so long that to lose that piece of yourself is just as powerful as losing a physical limb. Like the phenomenon of amputees who suffer the phantom appendage, feeling as if it's still there, every movement, sensation, even at times twinges of pain, it takes time to come to terms that it is no longer a part of you.

It's especially scary to be vulnerable again, be close with someone - all tangled limbs, pressed faces, and soft conversations in bed. Certainly, when you haven't let yourself be like this with anyone for so long you don't think it's possible. It's like me trying to relearn my mother tongue after thinking in English for so long.

I was really happy, but still somewhat confused. I wasn't sure about trusting someone who didn't trust me. I mean, he believed the words of a complete stranger without bothering to get an explanation from me. Seth said that he would have tried to talk to me, but he needed some time to calm down before he could do that. What would have happened if I hadn't emailed him? But, that was neither here nor there. Was something real truly beginning? It's not like I've lost my paranoia or anything, but hope had been regained.

In the morning, half-dazed in sleep, last night's details slowly washed over me as the smile spread contently over my face. I reached over and gently pulled him to me, and sensing my touch, he wrapped himself around me, and said someone else's name.

Utterly shocked, I shot bolt right up and fled as quickly as possible.

It seemed like it took eons to get home, and I prayed Tasha would be there. As I opened the door, I heard voices. Hmm... guess she had some company last night, and stayed over. Wow. That's different. At least one of us was happy. I thought maybe it was Antony.

Wrong.

"Hey Baby!"

Suddenly, I was swept up in a giant bear hug.

Clifton.

I was going to cry.

The Ex-Factor

The Ex-man. Once a mild-mannered, easy going single guy, our hero one day undergoes a dramatic change when the very fabric of his being is altered, and he becomes merged into one entity known as, The Couple. But like many such stories go, his trusted ally becomes the arch enemy, who in guise as The Girlfriend, unmasked his weaknesses and almost destroyed him, leaving his shredded remains to waste away in toxic Dumpsville. But he survives. Barely. Now crippled, and jaded he has no choice but to arm himself ironically, with the remnants of the original power source that had emasculated him. In order to survive, mayhaps unwittingly, he is suffused with the ex-factor. Suddenly he has an impenetrable shield where he is impervious to emotional attachment or commitment to you, yes, you, Rebound Girl. But he has one vulnerability - the very source of his armor - The One that Got Away.

I never understood why people stayed in humdrum relationships, or got back together with someone obviously wrong for them, instead of taking a chance with someone new. That is, until I found myself doing it - shields up! It was one thing to observe the guys in my life hung up on the past, but another to realize maybe why they were doing it. Even though it wasn't necessarily true, I had somehow subconsciously convinced myself that if I wasn't over one person, then there was no way I could develop feelings for someone else, so, no one had the power to hurt me. My fortress of solitude was compressed of glossy memories, and half wishes, fueled by late night drunken phone calls, or the inability to be attracted to someone who didn't remind me of a certain someone else.

It's hard when you've imprinted someone onto your being. Their textures, tastes, scents, and even witticisms are no farther than your minds eye, and in the quiet moments of your life, you are just a little too desperate to have a chance at one more moment. (Think Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days. That's me, but not so greasy).

You protect yourself with these half-truths. Some advice I recently heard rang a bell, mostly because it mirrored exactly what Bobby and Tasha have been promoting: You let go of one beautiful girl by obsessing over another. Well, if it comes from a learned chi gong master, then should I think twice about its usefulness? I said last time, that it didn't work, but maybe it's because I'd added my own Buddhism-inspired twist: stay on middle ground, so that your anger at the first girl keeps your sadness at bay, and your increasing fancy for the new girl is ever stilted by your want of the other. You use both to fend off one from the other, stay in the void, and remain untouched.

Once I realized how ridiculous this whole process was - admittance is the first step to recovery, right? I also knew how weak it was, and I had no intention of being Miss Moons-a-lot. So, just how am I to disentangle myself from these self-imposed constructs? Well, what does one do to resolve a problem? Break it down and find a solution.

I just did this quiz which said I was a rational intuitive- so I follow my gut after I've broken down all the pros and cons? Anyways, if this were true, then I could easily follow Bobby's extremely pragmatic "best option" approach, and simply rationalize myself out of these emotions. See, he believes that we are constantly striving to achieve our best options. As far as gaging a potential love interest goes, or justifying why you stay in a relationship, both parties are really always considering each other's value. So, once you've ticked off your list of desirable and undesirable quantifications, then you move next to the emotional investment options. Do I let myself fall in love? Am I just having fun? Thus, if it takes such a process to make the choice to accept someone as your best option, then you can apply the same method to understand that this no longer holds true.

I felt like I was a whole new me. It was okay if I cared, I just had to make better choices. Now this might seem ridiculously easy if one has any sort of common sense, but for a self destructive alcoholic workaholic, it's easier said than done.

Then I decided that the next step was to make amends. Well, sort of, since I considered that what had happened was so not my fault, and really I was quite angry. Yes, I mean Seth. I wrote him an email, mostly because I just wanted to give him a piece of my mind, and didn't really care about what his reaction was.

But okay, I was pretty happy that he did respond. It was long letter, so in summary, the reason he took the bait was because his last girlfriend got wonked on blow and slept with his best friend. (Yikes!) It was easy to believe that all women were evil and I was one of them. He popped up on msn and we chatted like normal, and made plans to meet up for dinner.

As I was getting ready, I decided to double check the address of the resto before I left, and lo and behold, there was an email from him. So breezy, like it hadn't been more than a year since he left.

Hey Baby.

I fly into Taipei tomorrow morning. Can't wait to see you.

Sabbatical City

That's where I've been in case you were wondering. It was nice, quiet, peaceful, and exactly the vacation that I needed.

We get lost sometimes with where exactly we are. It's easy to confuse the person you used to see yourself as with the "who" you identify with in the present. In my case, I've been fighting so hard this year to change that I forgot to pay attention to just who I was changing into.

I talked about the process that one has to go under to disentangle your identity from that of a twosome. Rejection can be such a blow to one's ego that instead of thinking it as, well, we weren't meant to be, sometimes our very self-worth comes into question. On my mission to being a self-sustaining individual, whose mantra was "I don't care", I never expected that it could backfire.

I guess I was trying to show the world that I was ruthlessly independent and unwilling to become attached to anyone. Instead, I subverted the ideal of invulnerability. I wanted so badly to get away from the girl who was overly nice, that I turned into the girl who didn't give a damn. But in both cases, I got walked all over, or dismissed, which were both sides of the same coin. In the end I was doing same thing, caring about what other people were thinking and feeling, and still forgetting about what I wanted.

Not to blame Bobby or Tasha, whose advice was to basically get over the old by bringing in the new, but it wasn't working for me at all. That's what I'd been aiming for, but obviously I wasn't really good at it. I ended one bad circumstance with another. So, instead of dealing with my feelings for one person, I got stuck with half resolved issues with too many. They say that two-heads are better than one, but for me, four boyfriends makes me the fifth wheel.

You see, before I realized that I really needed to get away from the dating scene, I had to figure it out by observing what other people were going through.

In response to Seth's sudden cold front, I started hanging out with on/off again dude, Guy Incognito. There'd always been chemistry between us, but I started to understand that he mostly sought me out when he was having girlfriend problems. If I wasn't willing to start something real with him, because it was so clear that he was unwilling to get close, then why would potential suitors want to climb up a tower to reach me either?

As foreigners in Taipei, it's like we're on indefinite vacation from the real world. There's no point investing in a temporary existence. So, if you do find someone truly really special, you end up waiting for the other person to make the big gesture. You can't take the risk until you the other person shows they are willing to first. So, instead, you stay in a quasi-semblance of a relationship, which can turn into something serious without you realizing it.

I came to the decision to go on this introspective journey, shortly after my last date with The Brad. I was remembering all the reasons why I liked him, as we were chilling in this super glam private room, at an ultra laid back lounge. He had his wall up as usual, but I didn't care. I was over my feelings for him. There was one moment when he was truly mine, and that was good enough for me. As he spoke about his ex, I came to infer that his player ways came from the place as mine. A) She had cut him so bad that he was unwillingly to be hurt like that ever again. B) He'd given his heart to her, so no one else could possibly have it.

Then around that time, I got a phone call from a one of my best friends, and we got to talking about relationships . He, like myself, has been living abroad for a number of years, and was sick of the temporary relationships that he was mixed up in, knowing there was no real future. Then he started talking about his ex-girlfriend, who he was afraid, he'd never be completely free from. Would he ever be able to love someone new if his heart belonged to someone else? I told him that although who we have become is linked to our past experiences, we do have the power to make the choice of how much we let it affect our present.

I started to wonder how much I followed my own advice. How much had I blabbed to Seth about my past hurts and i-fuckin-ssues? It would suck to date a person who was obviously hung up about someone else and be constantly reminded that you are being compared, that you will never live up to this ghost, and in a sense you were dating a couple. I didn't want to do this to anyone. I remembered the dating advice my ex once gave me, "The next boy you like, don't tell him everything." It made me think of an article I recently read about how your romantic partner shouldn't be your best friend. I'd always thought that your soul mate ought to be your best friend, but if you really think about it, can it really work that way? It's important to me that a love relationship has friendship of course, but you do need some sense of mystery, some element of je ne sais quoi to stoke the flames of passion. You need to keep things special. Once you lose the luster of that, it's easy to take your time together for granted.

It felt really good to be free from worrying about relationships. About, not being in one, or being in a good one, or that you chose the wrong person, that you weren't having crazy single adventures and maybe people felt sorry for you being alone. I've never been one to feel that in order to be happy, you have to be with someone. I've always believed that when you are complete in your own life, then you naturally want to share this with someone equally incredible. So, it was hard for me to see that I wasn't ready to do that yet because my own life, my own headspace was such a mess. Again with the cliches, but why would someone else love you, when you don't even love yourself. Being ready to get involved in a serious relationship isn't just about wanting to settle down, you really have to be ready. And isn't it an awful idea that someone is with you because they don't want to be alone, and you're just compatible enough? Don't you want someone to choose you, because there's no one else for them? I know that's overly simplistic and way over romanticised, but I don't care, that's just what I believe, what I can give to someone, and expect in return.

Then, there was the phone call.

"Hey, Missy, how are you?"

"Hi Brad. Good. How are you?"

"There's something I should tell you."

"What?"

"Well, I did something."

"Uh, huh?"

"I'm really sorry."

"Okay...what is it? You're sorta freaking me out here."

"That guy you were with?"

"What guy?"

"That dj. I kind of knew you guys were hanging."

"You did?"

"So, I ran into him at a Subway, and I just, I don't know what came over me, but I said some shit about you to him."

"What did you say?"

"Ah, you're gonna kick my ass but...I told him that you were playing him."

"Brad! What? When was this?"

"The day after that big party. I saw you leave first. I told him that you left to hook up with me."

"***&%%%%***I have to go."

It was time to go to town.

Fight or Flight

I ended up f*cked another way.

Hello, debauchery - of the chemical kind. I knocked back a number of letters, but not necessary in alphabetical order. Why? Because I was feeling sorry for myself, and that was the most dangerous of all things to dose on. Let's recap. Well, I had been moping at home on a Saturday night, having a nice quiet time with my journal when suddenly I got sideswiped by Tasha, with Brad aiming to gun me down, shortly thereafter. So, what is a girl to do? Find the biggest party of the night and drown her sorrows. Pardon, what was that? Seth? Seth, Shmeth. They can all suck on my toes. Not sure how much time had passed between dancing with boys and hot girls in minis, getting busy with tequila. Went outside for a breath of air and everything went slow mo. In fact, I was sure some slow funky bass starting to play, when the walk by happened. The previous time was down another alley many months ago, so this was very déjà vu. Brad strutting, leader of the pack, the boys slightly behind him. The last time this happened, I opted to look away so he ended up not seeing me there. This time as he passed, I made sure to stare him down. Our eyes met, mouths slightly agape. It was so hot I shivered.

"Lovers!" ... suddenly, a jolting hiss. Of course it was Bobby, who'd sidled up to me. I was ecstatic to see him and pounced.

"Oh my god you're so trashed."

"Bobby I'm so happy to see you! Oh, I love you!"

"Yeah, I know. So, what's up with Brad? I thought you were into Seth?"

Sigh. "I don't know."

"Brad's an asshole. That's probably why you like him."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that. Hey, how'd you know I was here?"

"Where else would you be? Anyways, Tasha is looking for you."

"What? Really?"

I rushed away in a drunken haze, and found her right where I knew she'd be, on the dance floor, in front of the dj booth. Cal was on decks, and Tasha was making fun of him. Right before I breezed forward, Brad got to her first. From there, I could only see that he was whispering something to her, and she was smiling. He was going in for a ... Whatever! Ugh!

I didn't know what to feel, especially since everything was spinning, and everyone had too heads. I ordered a vodka cranberry (juice is good for you right?) and headed outside again.

The thing is, I just don't know anymore. It used to be that situations could always be clear-cut. You knew what was right and wrong, and all you had to do was decide if it was a forgivable or unforgivable offense. Then you break off contact, or you try to mend the fence. I can't really blame the lifestyle here for all of that. Why? Hmm... should I reveal this part of myself? It's because I've wronged a lot of people before. People I was supposed to love and protect, so maybe I think I deserve the hurt that has been inflicted on me in the recent past as atonement for my sins. So, I have a soft spot for deviants, for the compulsively self-destructive because I know you can be that and a good person, capable of change for the good.

I don't know what Tasha is going through right now with Antony. We live in the same house, but we're drifting into strangers. I thought she would be in my life forever, but now I sense that when I leave Taipei, that will be it. I know her well enough.

So in the long run who the hell cares about Seth? I've known him for like ten seconds. I guess somehow I'd put him on a pedestal as a solution, no a distraction to my real life problems. He seemed to be the only good, unsullied aspect of my life. I look at someone like Seth, who's intentions as far as I can tell, aren't driven by evil, and feel hope. Yeah, ok we know where the good ones lead us, but surely it does count for something ... why else would pre-meditated murder be construed differently from crimes of passion?

Maybe I don't know all of his motivations, but I can say that he's always treated me with respect. Simply, someone I never had to worry about having twisted ulterior agendas. But the truth is, I don't know that for a fact, this is only something I'd chosen to believe. So, when there was the slightest indication I was wrong, I balked.

"Here you are again, drinking outside the Sev-lev."

I looked up and it was Seth. Everything that had tossed around my head was shattered. I just liked him. A lot. And I didn't want to doubt him.

"So, what? You lost your phone or something?"

"Seth..."

"Wait. There's something I've been wanting to say. I care about you, and I'm attracted to you. I know you've been through a lot, but who hasn't? What intelligent person isn't messed up in some way? There's still a lot you don't know about me, but the only thing that matters is that you can trust me. I'm not promising you anything, but fuck man, you don't have to be so quick to run out the door."

Intense staring.

I love the moment when you think a kiss is gonna happen, but you're not quite sure, but you know it's gonna happen.

It was amazing ... miraculous, and only slightly marred by the fact that I really needed to throw up.

Shiat, imagine if you were expecting tongue, and got an altogether unexpected surprise instead?

I broke away a bit roughly.

"Seth, you don't understand how incredible this all is. But, but, I gotta go."

"Uh, ok."

"No, I, I... it's just that I'm feeling sick."

"Oh, disaster. Ok, I'll get you a cab."

Seth hailed me a cab (I love how the cab scene is here, freakin rocks). He opened the door, and helped me in and left me with a kiss on the cheek.

Two minutes later, a text: Call me when you wake up tomorrow.

The next morning, a hectic knock on my door woke me up, followed by the sweet smell of brewing coffee.

Tasha had made me breakfast, or rather she'd gone out and bought dan-bin and fresh newspapers.

"Hey."

"Brad tried to kiss me last night. He's disgusting. I pushed him away and he said, 'You're no fun'. Don't mix with him."

"Oh."

"Seth talks about you all the time. I really like him. He's a good person."

"We kissed last night!"

Then all of a sudden things were normal again. We gabbed, and laughed. She read her Apple Daily and told me the funny bits. I read the News of the Weird and likewise. She'd been hanging out with Antony, but he kept trying to sleep with her, so she decided to cut him off for the time being. I told her about how I'd felt so hurt when I thought, well ... She insisted she hadn't meant to hurt me, but apologized if she had.

By the time I remembered I had to call Seth, it was already late afternoon. I was super nervous. I started to think about my reason for calling him. Right, he'd asked me to, but still I needed another reason. Maybe I'd ask him if he wanted to go get a coffee or go for a walk in the park, or maybe just meet him for dinner ...

I waited for a least ten rings before he picked up.

"What's up?"

"Hi! Oh, I ah, uh, I...just wanted to see what you're up to."

"I can't talk right now." Click.

Brrrr... What the???!

A Second Helping of Sloppy

Everything was hers and I was smothered in it, choking.

She was all around me. Trapped in her apartment, immersed in her belongings, I couldn't stand it. I made sure I was at least never home when she was. We hadn't spoken for two weeks, and I was also ignoring Seth's text messages. Never had I felt this abandoned or miserable, not even after my last break-up when ironically, it was Tasha who had come to the rescue. What does one do when the person who you go to with your problems, is the source of them? I never cared that she was the hot one, in constant spotlight, with the exciting career and endless suitors. But how could she usurp me in this case?

I've always lived by the idea that what's mine is yours when it comes to my close friends. When I have money, its my treat, whatever is in the fridge - go for it, so why was I so discombobulated when it came to a living breathing person?

Now, I like to think of myself as an open-minded spirit. I realize that people will do as they wish and you can't nor should you try to control them. However, there are unspoken rules, like: don't flirt with your boy's friends, or try to date your exe's friends nor your friend's exes, and you don't try to poach from other people's crews. That being said, I love it when my friends get along with each other, especially if I'm dating someone, and honestly if I'm over a boy then I figure all's fair, but in this case the thought of Seth + Tasha - me = Mz. Bonkers, because ... well, just cause!

Maybe I really was sixteen again, stuck in one of those bad pre-teen flicks, when you're trapped in your younger self and no one believes who you really are, except in this case it was me was incapable of recognizing myself.

Bobby, however, confirmed my fears by proclaiming it, "Weird!" if Seth was becoming Tasha's friend. "I ask you what's up with Tash. I'd be weird if I called her." Was that true? If Bobby called Tasha to go out and not me directly, would I be offended? This was all pretty silly, but Bobby wasn't Seth. And all along I'd been lying to myself that I believed in a way that Seth was mine.

Was this about sitting across the dinner table and realizing that your companion's dish looks so much more appealing than what you'd ordered? Completely wavering and unbalanced, I plunged into the nebulous dynamic between friends and their others. I always thought it was weird how people would date or sleep with O.P.P. Why would you want someone else's sloppy seconds? I guess for a guy, it means less groundwork. Or for chicks, sometimes a man's value does lies in the girl he's dating. You see some so-so fella that you probably wouldn't be interested in chatting up, but then boom, he has a hot girlfriend and all of a sudden his value skyrockets. People do covet all the time - no wonder it's one of the ten commandments.

I remember that when my ex did the disappearing act, all of his buddies hit on me. I was offended because I considered them my friends, but whatever. You can't change the nature of the beast. Tasha put it nicely, that at least, his power had finally dissipated and I was free. But I took that newfound sense of my own power and turned to the dark side. When I found myself doing the same thing (dipping into the forbidden friend pool), well, I realized I had no high horse to stand on - anyone can be just as slimy with enough drink et al in them.

Is it competition between friends? I dated one guy, well, ok, he was cheating on his girlfriend for me, but really we were in love, and anyways, his best friend would always hit on me in front of him, like stand real close, showing neither of us the least respect. My best friend Nicole warned me that any new girl who enters the group ultimately ends up sleeping with at least two of the dudes. Sure enough, as I hung out with them more and more, almost each one of them made a play. Hmm ... they'd probably be right at home in Taipei. But then I thought about my old crew here and it was the same for them, so I started wondering if this was a Canadian thing.

No, actually, I dated an American guy once, and his best friend started writing me love letters behind his back. Unfortunately, that boyfriend was a super hacker and broke into both our emails and there was quite the confrontation when he came home from work one day.

So, there's no point in generalizing. Regardless of where you are and who you're surrounded by, the real correlation is all that time spent together. I guess when people develop a connection it makes it easier for a situation to arise where you take advantage of some fun. But, is it really that easy or ever ok?

I was getting away from the matter at hand. Truth was, we weren't talking about stealing from me because Seth wasn't mine. Never completely free from being the accuser, I thought I should take the first step in Tasha's stilettos. I was the one being selfish. If Tasha could find happiness with him, it was my own problem that I was upset about it. After everything she'd been through in her life, how could I begrudge her the chance to be with a good man? I still felt betrayed, but it was something I'd created hence I should deal with it. I had to let this go and I ought to tell her I would try my best to support them.

As I hashed this all out in my journal, I suddenly felt her hovering around my doorway.

Knock knock

"We should talk."

"What do you mean?"

"I know something is wrong. Why do you keep away?"

"Tasha, look, you know how I feel about him, or maybe you don't. But it doesn't matter. Both of you are important to me, and if you can find happiness together, then I should try to accept it."

"What???? What are you talking about?"

"It bothers me that you guys hang out now, but it's my own problem to face."

"Me and Antony?"

"What? No, you and Seth."

"Me and Seth? I don't hang out with him! You think something is going on with me and Seth? How could you! You don't trust me?"

I gasped as she stormed out of my room and then out of the apartment. What the heck? Am I taking crazy pills? Do I have a dart stuck in my jugular?

Before anything could possibly register, I received a text message: Do you want to see me tonight? Brad.

You know when you're already quite drunk, and think to yourself how can I push this further and it seems a great idea at the time ...

"Let's get fucked up!"

The Real McCoy?

I was crushing.

After reading an article about a study that supports love at first sight, I got to thinking. Apparently within minutes of meeting someone, you can ascertain the type of relationship you will have them. Does this delineate proof on the matter? Well, it does reinforce the notion I've always had that you know right off the bat if you'd want to sleep with someone. Lust at first sight, sure, why not, but love? Can you really love someone you barely know? I suddenly thought back to a debate I recently had with Tasha. She insisted that there had to be sparks from the very instant, whereas I felt it was ridiculous to base something real on a whim.

I started looking back on my personal history and made a somewhat stunning discovery. There was truth to this, even for me, who tended to be more of a pragmatist. It was possible to tell right away if something could happen. There are always signs; maybe a scent that makes you melt, a shiver inducing glance, a smile that lights you up inside and out.

I started reminiscing about my former loves. Have you ever just loved someone because they were? No reason at all, but they made you happy just by existing and you didn't care if they ever loved you back? That was #1 for me. The memory of the time I found out he felt just as deeply, is one of the happy places I can always go to. Would I say he was my first real love although I thought I'd been in love before? I think for me, each time is so different that they all firsts. #2 was nothing like that. Actually as soon as we met, he struck me as a cocky asshole, but although he was pretty musky that balmy night, instead of being repulsed, I was intrigued, and remained so for three years. #3, I met at a giant rave. I noticed him spaced out in my vicinity, and I thought oh, it must be his first party. He looked like the sweetest cutest boy ever, and when we started talking, I knew I never wanted to leave his side.

Now there was Seth McCoy. I could close my eyes and picture him; headphones on, completely lost in grooving to his beats, not even aware of the people freaking out to his set. I thought of the kindness of his eyes when he stopped to talk to me outside that 7-Eleven. I was a giddy 16 year old. After meeting him, I was bursting with adrenalin. I had never thought I'd see him again, but after that awful night when we crossed paths again at the party; it had to be kismet. Could he be the real one this time? I thought about how my heart jumped into my throat the first moment I laid eyes on him - I had never felt that before. After much introspection, I was sure I wanted Seth.

I have to admit that all the dates I've been on this year have been pretty formulaic. Meet a swanky lounge. Get drunk on fruity drinks. Decide if it's his place or mine (if at all). Tell Tasha every piddling criticism I can think of and laugh meanly over inadequacies. Start screening phone calls. Repeat. It was fun living the Tasha life, as the bell of the ball, meeting someone new every week. But it was also hollow and monotonous. Yes, yes I'm so this, so that, but sorry, you aren't. I have a habit of falling out of like really quickly.

So, here I was on another first date. I feared I was doomed to repeat myself yet again. Or was I? Clue no. 1: we met for coffee. Clue no. 2: no overt flirting. Clue 3: although a good conversation, the evening ended early, going our separate ways with no mention of a next time.

Well, I was disappointed, but at the same time happy enough with the idea of making a new bud. I really enjoy my guy friends. Maybe it's because I like to drink beer, smoke dope, and watch The Family Guy. It's also tres cool to get the real scoop from dudes, which is on a level of intimacy different from dating. He tells you things he'd never say to his girlfriend. You don't have to worry about maintaining the mystery, or looking hot all the time. It's simply, hey, let's hang.

Well, we did start to hang pretty regularly. At weekly dinners we'd gab nonstop about music, art, movies, and philosophy in between anecdotes. More personal details, from funny vignettes to darker secrets, were exchanged in the month that we got to know each other, than over the course of one year with my ex-fiancee. I knew that he once broke his brother's nose over a skateboard. He knows that I'm afraid of the ocean because the first time I went jet skiing, I nearly drowned. There's his aversion to soup and my refusal to eat chocolate because it makes me cry. The deal breaker for him is having thick ankles while I abhor bad teeth. He revealed how he scammed the hospital gift shop he had to do community service for after he got arrested for stealing a car. I admitted that I spitefully made up a rumour to break up my best friend and her high school sweetheart because one day out of the blue she called me stupid. It got so comfortable I could have him over and watch movies with Tasha, who proclaimed that she liked him, and she never likes anyone.

It never occurred to me to not just be myself, or feel like I had to impress him. But there was no way I could let him know how much I wished he were mine. I slowly gave up on the idea of anything happening between us. I told myself it was a relief not to worry if someone was going to make a move. I convinced myself that I could stand to hear him talk about other girls, but was thankful that he never did.

One Friday, I was getting ready to go bowling with Seth when I noticed Tasha moping around the house. She was re-arranging the furniture in our sitting room, which is a very very bad sign. I talked her into coming out for something different. She's always up for a challenge, and when I pointed out that she had never done it before, that did it.

I was bowling my regularly stellar gutter ball style, when out of nowhere I got a strike. Jumping happily, my excitement waned when I noticed nobody was cheering. Turning, I found Seth and Tasha deep in talk.

"Where did you stay in France? I lived in Paris for six months, studying French."

"I was there one summer. Rouen."

"Oh, I know Rouen. Jeanne D'Arc. You know that little café that makes the best goat cheese panini?"

"Of course. It's beside that bar. What's the name? I remember the first time I went to that bar I asked someone for a lighter. I said, 'Avez-vous le feu?' and the guy thought I wanted to go home with him. Later he told me when you say that, its like, 'Hey baby, do you have the fire?' Huh huh huh."

And they just yukked it up and went from there.

It's true, I felt left out and a little green in the face, but I was a big girl and told myself to stop being silly.

I didn't expect at all, that a week later, I'd come home to find them chatting on the couch. They laughingly told me how they had both signed up for the same Capoeira class and how much fun it was. They were even finishing each other's sentences.

I was crushed.