The Real McCoy?

I was crushing.

After reading an article about a study that supports love at first sight, I got to thinking. Apparently within minutes of meeting someone, you can ascertain the type of relationship you will have them. Does this delineate proof on the matter? Well, it does reinforce the notion I've always had that you know right off the bat if you'd want to sleep with someone. Lust at first sight, sure, why not, but love? Can you really love someone you barely know? I suddenly thought back to a debate I recently had with Tasha. She insisted that there had to be sparks from the very instant, whereas I felt it was ridiculous to base something real on a whim.

I started looking back on my personal history and made a somewhat stunning discovery. There was truth to this, even for me, who tended to be more of a pragmatist. It was possible to tell right away if something could happen. There are always signs; maybe a scent that makes you melt, a shiver inducing glance, a smile that lights you up inside and out.

I started reminiscing about my former loves. Have you ever just loved someone because they were? No reason at all, but they made you happy just by existing and you didn't care if they ever loved you back? That was #1 for me. The memory of the time I found out he felt just as deeply, is one of the happy places I can always go to. Would I say he was my first real love although I thought I'd been in love before? I think for me, each time is so different that they all firsts. #2 was nothing like that. Actually as soon as we met, he struck me as a cocky asshole, but although he was pretty musky that balmy night, instead of being repulsed, I was intrigued, and remained so for three years. #3, I met at a giant rave. I noticed him spaced out in my vicinity, and I thought oh, it must be his first party. He looked like the sweetest cutest boy ever, and when we started talking, I knew I never wanted to leave his side.

Now there was Seth McCoy. I could close my eyes and picture him; headphones on, completely lost in grooving to his beats, not even aware of the people freaking out to his set. I thought of the kindness of his eyes when he stopped to talk to me outside that 7-Eleven. I was a giddy 16 year old. After meeting him, I was bursting with adrenalin. I had never thought I'd see him again, but after that awful night when we crossed paths again at the party; it had to be kismet. Could he be the real one this time? I thought about how my heart jumped into my throat the first moment I laid eyes on him - I had never felt that before. After much introspection, I was sure I wanted Seth.

I have to admit that all the dates I've been on this year have been pretty formulaic. Meet a swanky lounge. Get drunk on fruity drinks. Decide if it's his place or mine (if at all). Tell Tasha every piddling criticism I can think of and laugh meanly over inadequacies. Start screening phone calls. Repeat. It was fun living the Tasha life, as the bell of the ball, meeting someone new every week. But it was also hollow and monotonous. Yes, yes I'm so this, so that, but sorry, you aren't. I have a habit of falling out of like really quickly.

So, here I was on another first date. I feared I was doomed to repeat myself yet again. Or was I? Clue no. 1: we met for coffee. Clue no. 2: no overt flirting. Clue 3: although a good conversation, the evening ended early, going our separate ways with no mention of a next time.

Well, I was disappointed, but at the same time happy enough with the idea of making a new bud. I really enjoy my guy friends. Maybe it's because I like to drink beer, smoke dope, and watch The Family Guy. It's also tres cool to get the real scoop from dudes, which is on a level of intimacy different from dating. He tells you things he'd never say to his girlfriend. You don't have to worry about maintaining the mystery, or looking hot all the time. It's simply, hey, let's hang.

Well, we did start to hang pretty regularly. At weekly dinners we'd gab nonstop about music, art, movies, and philosophy in between anecdotes. More personal details, from funny vignettes to darker secrets, were exchanged in the month that we got to know each other, than over the course of one year with my ex-fiancee. I knew that he once broke his brother's nose over a skateboard. He knows that I'm afraid of the ocean because the first time I went jet skiing, I nearly drowned. There's his aversion to soup and my refusal to eat chocolate because it makes me cry. The deal breaker for him is having thick ankles while I abhor bad teeth. He revealed how he scammed the hospital gift shop he had to do community service for after he got arrested for stealing a car. I admitted that I spitefully made up a rumour to break up my best friend and her high school sweetheart because one day out of the blue she called me stupid. It got so comfortable I could have him over and watch movies with Tasha, who proclaimed that she liked him, and she never likes anyone.

It never occurred to me to not just be myself, or feel like I had to impress him. But there was no way I could let him know how much I wished he were mine. I slowly gave up on the idea of anything happening between us. I told myself it was a relief not to worry if someone was going to make a move. I convinced myself that I could stand to hear him talk about other girls, but was thankful that he never did.

One Friday, I was getting ready to go bowling with Seth when I noticed Tasha moping around the house. She was re-arranging the furniture in our sitting room, which is a very very bad sign. I talked her into coming out for something different. She's always up for a challenge, and when I pointed out that she had never done it before, that did it.

I was bowling my regularly stellar gutter ball style, when out of nowhere I got a strike. Jumping happily, my excitement waned when I noticed nobody was cheering. Turning, I found Seth and Tasha deep in talk.

"Where did you stay in France? I lived in Paris for six months, studying French."

"I was there one summer. Rouen."

"Oh, I know Rouen. Jeanne D'Arc. You know that little café that makes the best goat cheese panini?"

"Of course. It's beside that bar. What's the name? I remember the first time I went to that bar I asked someone for a lighter. I said, 'Avez-vous le feu?' and the guy thought I wanted to go home with him. Later he told me when you say that, its like, 'Hey baby, do you have the fire?' Huh huh huh."

And they just yukked it up and went from there.

It's true, I felt left out and a little green in the face, but I was a big girl and told myself to stop being silly.

I didn't expect at all, that a week later, I'd come home to find them chatting on the couch. They laughingly told me how they had both signed up for the same Capoeira class and how much fun it was. They were even finishing each other's sentences.

I was crushed.