Sabbatical City

That's where I've been in case you were wondering. It was nice, quiet, peaceful, and exactly the vacation that I needed.

We get lost sometimes with where exactly we are. It's easy to confuse the person you used to see yourself as with the "who" you identify with in the present. In my case, I've been fighting so hard this year to change that I forgot to pay attention to just who I was changing into.

I talked about the process that one has to go under to disentangle your identity from that of a twosome. Rejection can be such a blow to one's ego that instead of thinking it as, well, we weren't meant to be, sometimes our very self-worth comes into question. On my mission to being a self-sustaining individual, whose mantra was "I don't care", I never expected that it could backfire.

I guess I was trying to show the world that I was ruthlessly independent and unwilling to become attached to anyone. Instead, I subverted the ideal of invulnerability. I wanted so badly to get away from the girl who was overly nice, that I turned into the girl who didn't give a damn. But in both cases, I got walked all over, or dismissed, which were both sides of the same coin. In the end I was doing same thing, caring about what other people were thinking and feeling, and still forgetting about what I wanted.

Not to blame Bobby or Tasha, whose advice was to basically get over the old by bringing in the new, but it wasn't working for me at all. That's what I'd been aiming for, but obviously I wasn't really good at it. I ended one bad circumstance with another. So, instead of dealing with my feelings for one person, I got stuck with half resolved issues with too many. They say that two-heads are better than one, but for me, four boyfriends makes me the fifth wheel.

You see, before I realized that I really needed to get away from the dating scene, I had to figure it out by observing what other people were going through.

In response to Seth's sudden cold front, I started hanging out with on/off again dude, Guy Incognito. There'd always been chemistry between us, but I started to understand that he mostly sought me out when he was having girlfriend problems. If I wasn't willing to start something real with him, because it was so clear that he was unwilling to get close, then why would potential suitors want to climb up a tower to reach me either?

As foreigners in Taipei, it's like we're on indefinite vacation from the real world. There's no point investing in a temporary existence. So, if you do find someone truly really special, you end up waiting for the other person to make the big gesture. You can't take the risk until you the other person shows they are willing to first. So, instead, you stay in a quasi-semblance of a relationship, which can turn into something serious without you realizing it.

I came to the decision to go on this introspective journey, shortly after my last date with The Brad. I was remembering all the reasons why I liked him, as we were chilling in this super glam private room, at an ultra laid back lounge. He had his wall up as usual, but I didn't care. I was over my feelings for him. There was one moment when he was truly mine, and that was good enough for me. As he spoke about his ex, I came to infer that his player ways came from the place as mine. A) She had cut him so bad that he was unwillingly to be hurt like that ever again. B) He'd given his heart to her, so no one else could possibly have it.

Then around that time, I got a phone call from a one of my best friends, and we got to talking about relationships . He, like myself, has been living abroad for a number of years, and was sick of the temporary relationships that he was mixed up in, knowing there was no real future. Then he started talking about his ex-girlfriend, who he was afraid, he'd never be completely free from. Would he ever be able to love someone new if his heart belonged to someone else? I told him that although who we have become is linked to our past experiences, we do have the power to make the choice of how much we let it affect our present.

I started to wonder how much I followed my own advice. How much had I blabbed to Seth about my past hurts and i-fuckin-ssues? It would suck to date a person who was obviously hung up about someone else and be constantly reminded that you are being compared, that you will never live up to this ghost, and in a sense you were dating a couple. I didn't want to do this to anyone. I remembered the dating advice my ex once gave me, "The next boy you like, don't tell him everything." It made me think of an article I recently read about how your romantic partner shouldn't be your best friend. I'd always thought that your soul mate ought to be your best friend, but if you really think about it, can it really work that way? It's important to me that a love relationship has friendship of course, but you do need some sense of mystery, some element of je ne sais quoi to stoke the flames of passion. You need to keep things special. Once you lose the luster of that, it's easy to take your time together for granted.

It felt really good to be free from worrying about relationships. About, not being in one, or being in a good one, or that you chose the wrong person, that you weren't having crazy single adventures and maybe people felt sorry for you being alone. I've never been one to feel that in order to be happy, you have to be with someone. I've always believed that when you are complete in your own life, then you naturally want to share this with someone equally incredible. So, it was hard for me to see that I wasn't ready to do that yet because my own life, my own headspace was such a mess. Again with the cliches, but why would someone else love you, when you don't even love yourself. Being ready to get involved in a serious relationship isn't just about wanting to settle down, you really have to be ready. And isn't it an awful idea that someone is with you because they don't want to be alone, and you're just compatible enough? Don't you want someone to choose you, because there's no one else for them? I know that's overly simplistic and way over romanticised, but I don't care, that's just what I believe, what I can give to someone, and expect in return.

Then, there was the phone call.

"Hey, Missy, how are you?"

"Hi Brad. Good. How are you?"

"There's something I should tell you."

"What?"

"Well, I did something."

"Uh, huh?"

"I'm really sorry."

"Okay...what is it? You're sorta freaking me out here."

"That guy you were with?"

"What guy?"

"That dj. I kind of knew you guys were hanging."

"You did?"

"So, I ran into him at a Subway, and I just, I don't know what came over me, but I said some shit about you to him."

"What did you say?"

"Ah, you're gonna kick my ass but...I told him that you were playing him."

"Brad! What? When was this?"

"The day after that big party. I saw you leave first. I told him that you left to hook up with me."

"***&%%%%***I have to go."

It was time to go to town.